February 25, 2007
I told my friend Sherri about this awful stuffed chicken they were giving away at the company sales meeting in Cali. It’s really weird. If you hit it, it crows quite loudly. Very entertaining to hear chicken clucks during a very serious power point presentation about the financial state of a corporation. COCK-A-DOODLE-DO!!
And since I recently figured out how to put youtube on my blog, here is something for your sunday viewing and listening pleasure. Here’s hoping it’s a great one!
As a side note, I found this video from Cirque as well, and I think it’s relates to one of my previous posts about the dream and tiny feathers. Emerging from the hidden places to become one’s true self can be frightening and painful but has the ability to also be extraordinarily beautiful.
February 24, 2007
Went shopping today on this rainy Saturday. I stopped at Wal-Mart for my prescriptions and as usual encountered an amazing array of screaming children. As I waited I thought I would look around for other items on my list. Brita water purifying pitcher, a glass thingie with a spout at the top to put vinegar/oil into, and of course the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. I found none of the above at Wal-Mart. It’s a good thing too I suppose because they were so busy they had no carts available and I would have had to wait in line for ten thousand years for said items.
I went back to get my prescriptions and in front of me, sitting in his mom’s cart was the cutest little boy. He couldn’t have been more than 5 years old. He kept making eye contact with me, then hiding his face. I decided to look elsewhere, ie to the stool softeners that were located directly to the right so I wouldn’t make him uncomfortable, and his mom wouldn’t think I was a weirdo. So, as I read the ingredients for the stool softeners I over heard the boy say, “Mommy, mommy, I have a crush, I have a crush!” Thinking that he was talking about me I got a little smile on my face and thought, Yeah, I am totally crushable. Tracy says I’m the shit, and this kid thinks that too, so I must really be the shit!” I waited a minute, then put the bottle of stool softeners back on the shelf and looked over at the boy. Just as quickly as his crush on me started, it had apparently ended. He was prying open a box of bandaids and attempting to kick his way out of the cart at the same time. Fickle little kid anyway. I guess I’m not the shit after all.
Prescriptions in hand, I ventured off to Bed, Bath and Beyond. They too, did not have the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine, but I did find the purifying pitcher and glass vinegrette thingie. I figured I would try one more place. K Mart. No one shops at K Mart. I feel bad for them. I think there was maybe two other people in the entire store wandering aimlessly as the floor plan is diasterous and I think perhaps this is why no one shops at K Mart.
As I was wandering, a love song started playing and I was overwhelmed with the fact that I am buying the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine for one. Not the double one with the bun warmers, not the super duper family sized one, but the single one. I almost started crying right there next to the crock pots. I don’t know why, but sometimes being single just isn’t that much fun. Someday people, someone is going to think I’m the shit and won’t mind that I know the ingredients to stool softener.
Here is said love song.
February 22, 2007
Interesting day today. It started with a project for work. I work with a group of people that were chosen to design a way to create a diverse work force. As part of the counsel’s plan to do this we ocassionally have office wide luncheons to create awareness for various people groups. Today was African American day. We ate African American food, had guest speakers, etc. It was great but for me something seemed missing. I returned to my desk to find a joke in my e-mail in box. It was sent by my hispanic co-worker and was a bit vulgar and suprisingly anti-hispanic. It started a dialogue between my cubicle mate Kat and I about racism. It was a great, thought provoking discussion but again I felt like something was missing. I went outside to have a ciggie and ran into one of the cooks from the cafeteria. We talked about all the prep for the lunch and he made some remark about getting used to “those Chinese” that come into the cafeteria.
By the time I got back to my desk I was overwhelmed by all that I had experienced and heard and talked about. I have become increasingly aware of my own intolerance. I tout myself as ‘racisit free’; a totally open-minded person with no qualms toward other humans of different race. It’s becoming aparrent in subtle ways that I have been fooling myself. I was really down about that, and I should mention also that I just recently saw the film, Crash for the first time the other night and that has also stirred these thoughts.
So, as I was walking to my car after work I was standing on the street corner waiting to cross the steet. I was lost in my own thoughts and honestly feeling disgusted with myself and with the state of the world and the intolerance that I see all around me. Suddenly, a school bus passed me and sitting in the window a dark haired, dark eyed little angel of a boy looked directly at me and put up two little fingers in the form of a peace sign. It lasted an instant but will be something that will stay with me always. What a beautiful reminder it was to me that peace is possible. And it starts with me.
As for belly dancing class, all I can say is BLISS! I LOVED IT! I can’t wait to go back and learn more.
February 21, 2007
Something else on my mind tonight…
For months I have been a bit lost in my thoughts. I tend to live in my mind and struggle with pulling myself out and participating in life. This is me most of the time, but worse lately. When I get to this point I tend to be somewhat negative and I become depressed and full of anxiety. I can look at it and see that a good part of it is winter weather and lack of sunlight. But, some is just who I am and how I operate.
I’ve recently seen a small change in myself with the change in the weather. Last week I heard birds singing and I saw a robin perched on a tree. Always a good sign that spring is on its way. I also had a great talk with one of my dearest friends about her own struggles and recent unexpected blessings. These things and perhaps my own surge of courage in signing myself up for a dance class has caused me to step back and pause.
I often ask myself why I’m here on the planet. I often wonder what my purpose is, am I on the right track, what should I be doing, what do I believe spiritually, etc. I am most times very shy and fearful of strangers and new experiences. I chew my lip, wring my hands and hold my thumbs in those moments when I have to ‘come out of my shell’ and I’m convinced that I’m the worst sales person in the history of sales.
But it reminds me of a dream I had last year that I will never forget. I was standing on the edge of a great cliff. Next to me was a magnificent Native American woman. She held out her hand to me and in her palm was a beautiful egg. Suddenly, the egg cracked and as I watched a baby bird emerged, grew to full size and flew away leaving behind the broken shell and a single small feather. The woman said to me, “You are tiny feather. You cannot fly yet. But, do not be afraid. Someday you will.”
Sounds a bit strange but I will never forget it. And as spring begins to come around again and the birds begin to sing and as I listen to my friend celebrate her blessings and forget for a moment the tremendous challenges that she faces in her own life I am reminded that every day truly is a blessing and courage is available all I need to do is ask for it.
So, tomorrow I take a deep breath, let go of my thumbs and I’ll dance.
February 21, 2007
You know the type. The snoopy co-worker that only pretends to do their work, but every time you start talking to someone they pipe in from the other side of the cubicle and start chattering away. It’s particularly troublesome when they actually get up and come to the other side of the cubicle and dominate what was previously a private conversation.
I suffer from a dipper. A double dipper. Triple dipper. It’s starting to make me nuts. Whatever should I do about my terrible dipper problem? I feel my violent other self beginning to rise, but so far I’ve only managed to secretly flip her off from my side of the wall.
February 18, 2007
I feel a rant coming on. A selfish, childish rant. It started with this:
My trip to California. It was wonderful; beyond words. My pale self soaked up the sun and had an all together great time.
But then it was back to Kansas and work and snow and shitty wind. Back to cigarettes: hating them and smoking them and hating them and smoking them and having wonderful dreams of being back in the sun.
Anyway, so here I am back to the same ol’ same ol’. I made the terrible mistake of watching the new film version of Pride and Prejudice. I suppose I should admit that I am a romantic at heart and I found myself crying over this damn movie. Mr. Darcy this and Mr. Darcy that and pretty soon I’m blowing my nose. But then I go to bed and dream about palm trees, Mr. Darcy and me making kung fu all over some guy with a gun. Go figure.
So I’ve decided that since Wednesday is my first belly dancing class and I made a commitment to walk/run the Boulder Bolder this year with a friend, I’d better get myself in gear. Literally. Running shoes, workout outfit, finger cymbals, you know, the usual. I thought I’d better get my mind working as well so I’ve taken on Sudoko. I hate this shit. It’s really, really hard. I thought I was ok in the smarts department, but I have been proven otherwise.
You try figuring it out.
February 14, 2007
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bi zarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carp et. Today I
decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
(very special thanks to Bex for sending this)
February 10, 2007
This past week, I had the privilege of attending a company sales meeting in Palm Springs, CA. Coming from Kansas, California was heaven. I had fun with friends, got to dress up, drank a bit too much, honed my Blackjack skills, and took tons of pictures. I also sat through what seemed like 10 years of sales meetings in 3 days. I tell you, if I never see another power point presentation it will be too soon.
Our flight from Kansas City had a layover in Minneapolis and -23 degree weather and blowing snow.
When we landed in Palm Springs it was 75 degrees and sunny.
It was sick. I decided that living out here in Kansas is, well, stupid. Since I’m utterly single and free to do what I want I will be moving to paradise as soon as possible.
Going for work just doesn’t cut it because as much fun as I had I still at some point heard this phrase, “It’s time to spearhead the strategic initiative!” Now, I think I’m a pretty smart person, but I have no idea what that means. Nor do I know what a market share is or what NVO’s are. And to be honest, I don’t want to.
Part of this trip included a presentation given by our team to the field sales force. My contribution were the photographs I took and if you’re interested, scroll to the bottom of this blog and you’ll see them. I also created a “movie trailer” as the presentation had to have a movie theme. Through the process of creating the trailer and taking the photographs I was told on many occasions that I was in the wrong line of work. Here’s the poster I made.
I couldn’t agree more. My strategic initiative is to find for myself a career that I truly care about and can fully express myself as an artist so someday I can say,”Take your NVO’s and stick it!” Well, maybe not like that. They did pay for the trip after all.
But, I do think it’s time to start looking for something else even though Hawaii is the destination next year. It ain’t worth being miserable.
February 10, 2007
February 4, 2007
Such beautiful words. Why can’t I believe them?
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.
11 But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God’s name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.